My brain, like many of yours, works to find ways to self-protect. For me, this looks like undermining the pain, trying to muscle through it, or ‘faking it ‘til I make it’. This is mostly good until you’re 23 and realize that this learned reflex has pushed God down the list of priority. I’d rather be the one in control but still sit in my hidden pile of shame than be honest with the ugly and ask God to handle it instead.